Happy Birthday Paige!!!!

Happy Birthday, my beautiful, sweet, amazing daughter! I hope you have a lovely day, with a beautiful princess dress to wear, and lots of pretty jewelry, and pretty things for you hair (which is curly, and not a crew cut!) and lots of kids to play with, and lots of animals to play with and ride on. Luke said the other day that in heaven he wants to ride a crocodile, and have races!

I miss you like crazy, but to think of you is also so sweet and comforting. I don't know how I got the amazing privilege of being your mom, but I sure am thankful! I'm doing ok down here. You and God have made me strong, and with that, I can face anything.

Luke keeps talking about you, and gets certain toys ready, "so that when Paigey comes back, she can play with them." He misses you so much.

Oh little girl, you are such a treasure to me. I can't wait to see you again. Until then, I laugh when I remember funny things you did, and I talk about you all the time. You are strong, and loving, and you always spoke your mind, and I hope I will be more and more like you.

Today we might go to a fun kids' museum, to celebrate your birthday, and maybe buy some pretty balloons. My little Lovey, I send you millions of hugs and kisses, and know that I carry you in my heart always, until I get to be with you again.

Love, your mama

Thursday morning

To Honor You, by Connie Byrd

To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath.
And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile
And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take time to appreciate everyone I love,
I know there is no guarantee of the days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,
And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,
Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, Share a smile, LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

Wednesday

Monday evening thoughts

Yesterday was three months that we have been without Paige. I have felt awkward posting, because this is her blog, and with her gone it seemed bizarre to be sharing things sans Paige. But I want to. So I will.

Things make me tear up more now. I pick strange places to cry, like the florist. I was petting the owner's beautiful, ancient Maine coon cat, that looks so much like Francesca. The cat, normally shy, seemed to really like me and followed me to the checkout counter to be petted. So I chatted with the owners about cats for a few minutes, and then I all of a sudden got really weepy. So I left abruptly. What the heck? But somehow it hurt really badly just then.

And yesterday I was in a six hour meeting and after a couple hours, I kept thinking about Paige, up in heaven, wanting a cuddle with me. So I in my imagination welcomed her, and held her on my lap, and let her cuddle. Jesus is great for snuggling, I'm sure, but no one is quite like a mama. And of course this made me cry. And cry. Finally I left and went out into the hallway, to get a good cry out of my system so I could go back and participate without continuing to cover my shirt with tear-spots.

It's a little disconcerting to be wearing my heart on my sleeve; previously most of my mourning I have done very privately. But it feels good to go with it. I am in grief counseling (they said Luke seems to be doing great, and doesn't need to continue coming! She said I was the one who seemed to really need it.) and I asked if the counselor would give me journaling exercises each week for homework. So I will be working on that later this week. I know that I proccess a lot by writing, so I am looking forward to the reflection and the processing. She said grief will show up how it wants to, and we can't direct it, so I am trying to be flexible.

At the furniture store the other day, the employee asked if Luke was my only child. I said I had a daughter that had died. Luke added on what her name was, and what he called her (Paigey) and how they used to play house together. He was the daddy, and Paige was the mama, and Paige's dolls were the kids, the son and the daughter.

I still have alot of peace inside. In fact, more peace than I have had in years. Without that, this would be so much harder. Please don't stop praying for us. We all could use it.

Platelets

I mentioned that I would post platelet info, so here it is. We have a friend at Dana Farber, a little boy named Benjamin who we met at CHaD, and his mom recently blogged that platelets are needed at that hospital. Platelets have a shelf life of 5 days. If you are interested in donating there, you can call 617-632-3206.

Only two first time donors will be taken at a time, and you need to answer a few minutes of questions on the phone before they give the go-ahead that someone qualifies to donate. If you qualify, they can set you up with an appointment. 1-3 in the afternoon is the best time of day for the bank to take first time donors. The process takes I believe, 2 hours, and involves a needle in both arms; one to take blood, the other to put back your own blood that has had platelets filtered out.

If you live too far away to donate in Boston, please consider donating at a hospital or Red Cross donation center near you. The Red Cross number is 1-800-GIVELIFE, and they can tell you where the nearest donation center is.

Luke Ben and I were in the house the other day, and Luke said, "Is there anyone else here?" "Nope, just the three of us." I said. Luke got teary and said, "Why not four?" He misses Paigey a lot, and said most every night for a while, "Let's talk about why Paigey died."

We begin grief counseling on Monday.

Here is one of my favorite video clips.

A Sunny Wednesday

A few thoughts. One, there have been few people who have asked my mom if she thought I would mind getting an email from them. I don't mind at all. I haven't had what it takes to post many of my thoughts, or to reply to most of the emails I have received, but I certaintly do like reading them.

Two. I miss Paige sitting on my lap, and how her silky new hair felt on my chin. And I can't remember what she smells like. I hope I stumble across something in her room that still smells like her.

I have been thinking about donating platelets before Christmas. It's more involved than donating blood, and takes a couple of hours. They take blood out of one arm, spin it in a machine to get the platelets, and send the remaining (still useful) red blood back into the other arm. I'm hoping to have a "Platelet Party" with some of my family, and all go together to keep each other company.

I can get more details later, but lets see how many units of platelets we can donate between now and Paige's birthday, which is March 26. I believe you can donate up to once a week. I know that the need for platelets outweighs the supply.

And finally, if you have a Paige story, or memory or picture, that you want to post, I (and many more people also!) would love to hear/see it. I'm so sad that the pictures and stories of her life are completed, but if we share each other's stories, it brings her back to life for just a moment.