Sunday, February 24, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Monday evening thoughts
Yesterday was three months that we have been without Paige. I have felt awkward posting, because this is her blog, and with her gone it seemed bizarre to be sharing things sans Paige. But I want to. So I will.
Things make me tear up more now. I pick strange places to cry, like the florist. I was petting the owner's beautiful, ancient Maine coon cat, that looks so much like Francesca. The cat, normally shy, seemed to really like me and followed me to the checkout counter to be petted. So I chatted with the owners about cats for a few minutes, and then I all of a sudden got really weepy. So I left abruptly. What the heck? But somehow it hurt really badly just then.
And yesterday I was in a six hour meeting and after a couple hours, I kept thinking about Paige, up in heaven, wanting a cuddle with me. So I in my imagination welcomed her, and held her on my lap, and let her cuddle. Jesus is great for snuggling, I'm sure, but no one is quite like a mama. And of course this made me cry. And cry. Finally I left and went out into the hallway, to get a good cry out of my system so I could go back and participate without continuing to cover my shirt with tear-spots.
It's a little disconcerting to be wearing my heart on my sleeve; previously most of my mourning I have done very privately. But it feels good to go with it. I am in grief counseling (they said Luke seems to be doing great, and doesn't need to continue coming! She said I was the one who seemed to really need it.) and I asked if the counselor would give me journaling exercises each week for homework. So I will be working on that later this week. I know that I proccess a lot by writing, so I am looking forward to the reflection and the processing. She said grief will show up how it wants to, and we can't direct it, so I am trying to be flexible.
At the furniture store the other day, the employee asked if Luke was my only child. I said I had a daughter that had died. Luke added on what her name was, and what he called her (Paigey) and how they used to play house together. He was the daddy, and Paige was the mama, and Paige's dolls were the kids, the son and the daughter.
I still have alot of peace inside. In fact, more peace than I have had in years. Without that, this would be so much harder. Please don't stop praying for us. We all could use it.
Things make me tear up more now. I pick strange places to cry, like the florist. I was petting the owner's beautiful, ancient Maine coon cat, that looks so much like Francesca. The cat, normally shy, seemed to really like me and followed me to the checkout counter to be petted. So I chatted with the owners about cats for a few minutes, and then I all of a sudden got really weepy. So I left abruptly. What the heck? But somehow it hurt really badly just then.
And yesterday I was in a six hour meeting and after a couple hours, I kept thinking about Paige, up in heaven, wanting a cuddle with me. So I in my imagination welcomed her, and held her on my lap, and let her cuddle. Jesus is great for snuggling, I'm sure, but no one is quite like a mama. And of course this made me cry. And cry. Finally I left and went out into the hallway, to get a good cry out of my system so I could go back and participate without continuing to cover my shirt with tear-spots.
It's a little disconcerting to be wearing my heart on my sleeve; previously most of my mourning I have done very privately. But it feels good to go with it. I am in grief counseling (they said Luke seems to be doing great, and doesn't need to continue coming! She said I was the one who seemed to really need it.) and I asked if the counselor would give me journaling exercises each week for homework. So I will be working on that later this week. I know that I proccess a lot by writing, so I am looking forward to the reflection and the processing. She said grief will show up how it wants to, and we can't direct it, so I am trying to be flexible.
At the furniture store the other day, the employee asked if Luke was my only child. I said I had a daughter that had died. Luke added on what her name was, and what he called her (Paigey) and how they used to play house together. He was the daddy, and Paige was the mama, and Paige's dolls were the kids, the son and the daughter.
I still have alot of peace inside. In fact, more peace than I have had in years. Without that, this would be so much harder. Please don't stop praying for us. We all could use it.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Platelets
I mentioned that I would post platelet info, so here it is. We have a friend at Dana Farber, a little boy named Benjamin who we met at CHaD, and his mom recently blogged that platelets are needed at that hospital. Platelets have a shelf life of 5 days. If you are interested in donating there, you can call 617-632-3206.
Only two first time donors will be taken at a time, and you need to answer a few minutes of questions on the phone before they give the go-ahead that someone qualifies to donate. If you qualify, they can set you up with an appointment. 1-3 in the afternoon is the best time of day for the bank to take first time donors. The process takes I believe, 2 hours, and involves a needle in both arms; one to take blood, the other to put back your own blood that has had platelets filtered out.
If you live too far away to donate in Boston, please consider donating at a hospital or Red Cross donation center near you. The Red Cross number is 1-800-GIVELIFE, and they can tell you where the nearest donation center is.
Luke Ben and I were in the house the other day, and Luke said, "Is there anyone else here?" "Nope, just the three of us." I said. Luke got teary and said, "Why not four?" He misses Paigey a lot, and said most every night for a while, "Let's talk about why Paigey died."
We begin grief counseling on Monday.
Here is one of my favorite video clips.
Only two first time donors will be taken at a time, and you need to answer a few minutes of questions on the phone before they give the go-ahead that someone qualifies to donate. If you qualify, they can set you up with an appointment. 1-3 in the afternoon is the best time of day for the bank to take first time donors. The process takes I believe, 2 hours, and involves a needle in both arms; one to take blood, the other to put back your own blood that has had platelets filtered out.
If you live too far away to donate in Boston, please consider donating at a hospital or Red Cross donation center near you. The Red Cross number is 1-800-GIVELIFE, and they can tell you where the nearest donation center is.
Luke Ben and I were in the house the other day, and Luke said, "Is there anyone else here?" "Nope, just the three of us." I said. Luke got teary and said, "Why not four?" He misses Paigey a lot, and said most every night for a while, "Let's talk about why Paigey died."
We begin grief counseling on Monday.
Here is one of my favorite video clips.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A Sunny Wednesday
A few thoughts. One, there have been few people who have asked my mom if she thought I would mind getting an email from them. I don't mind at all. I haven't had what it takes to post many of my thoughts, or to reply to most of the emails I have received, but I certaintly do like reading them.
Two. I miss Paige sitting on my lap, and how her silky new hair felt on my chin. And I can't remember what she smells like. I hope I stumble across something in her room that still smells like her.
I have been thinking about donating platelets before Christmas. It's more involved than donating blood, and takes a couple of hours. They take blood out of one arm, spin it in a machine to get the platelets, and send the remaining (still useful) red blood back into the other arm. I'm hoping to have a "Platelet Party" with some of my family, and all go together to keep each other company.
I can get more details later, but lets see how many units of platelets we can donate between now and Paige's birthday, which is March 26. I believe you can donate up to once a week. I know that the need for platelets outweighs the supply.
And finally, if you have a Paige story, or memory or picture, that you want to post, I (and many more people also!) would love to hear/see it. I'm so sad that the pictures and stories of her life are completed, but if we share each other's stories, it brings her back to life for just a moment.
Two. I miss Paige sitting on my lap, and how her silky new hair felt on my chin. And I can't remember what she smells like. I hope I stumble across something in her room that still smells like her.
I have been thinking about donating platelets before Christmas. It's more involved than donating blood, and takes a couple of hours. They take blood out of one arm, spin it in a machine to get the platelets, and send the remaining (still useful) red blood back into the other arm. I'm hoping to have a "Platelet Party" with some of my family, and all go together to keep each other company.
I can get more details later, but lets see how many units of platelets we can donate between now and Paige's birthday, which is March 26. I believe you can donate up to once a week. I know that the need for platelets outweighs the supply.
And finally, if you have a Paige story, or memory or picture, that you want to post, I (and many more people also!) would love to hear/see it. I'm so sad that the pictures and stories of her life are completed, but if we share each other's stories, it brings her back to life for just a moment.
Monday, December 3, 2007
December morning
To everyone who sent us cards, or who contributed to Samaritan's Purse, thank you. And to everyone who prays for us, a huge thank you. Someone wrote to me that every night they and their three year old pray for our family, and it made me cry.
Overall, we are plodding along, our grief an ember that gets fanned, as we see things that remind us of Paige, or find ourselves in a situation that she would enjoy - like today's snowstorm. She was a big fan of throwing snowballs at Grandpa M, and I know that she would want to be outside today.
The service was beautiful, and seeing those who came for us and for Paige was a pretty amazing experience.
When I feel really sad, I remind myself that if I just wait around long enough, I'll see her again. 60 more years, based on my family's blasted genes, and I wonder things like, Did she arrive in heaven a 2 1/2 year old? Will she be little when I see her, or will she be a grown-up? I'm banking on the former. I think her days in heaven are filled with playing, and with welcoming new babies and children, and helping them feel loved and at home. There's no one better for the job.
Overall, we are plodding along, our grief an ember that gets fanned, as we see things that remind us of Paige, or find ourselves in a situation that she would enjoy - like today's snowstorm. She was a big fan of throwing snowballs at Grandpa M, and I know that she would want to be outside today.
The service was beautiful, and seeing those who came for us and for Paige was a pretty amazing experience.
When I feel really sad, I remind myself that if I just wait around long enough, I'll see her again. 60 more years, based on my family's blasted genes, and I wonder things like, Did she arrive in heaven a 2 1/2 year old? Will she be little when I see her, or will she be a grown-up? I'm banking on the former. I think her days in heaven are filled with playing, and with welcoming new babies and children, and helping them feel loved and at home. There's no one better for the job.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Directions to the Memorial Service
The church is located in Dublin, NH off Old Marlborough Road.
You can get directions from Google maps, Mapquest or Yahoo maps. The ending address should be entered as 495 Old Marlborough Rd, Dublin NH 03444. Please note that if you are coming from the east, these mapping services will give you directions that include East Lake Road. The bridge has been washed out, so please continue approximately 2.8 miles around the lake (past West Lake Road) to a left turn onto Charcoal Road. Follow Charcoal Road one mile until it dead ends, then take a right onto Old Marlborough Road.
Once you reach Old Marlborough Road, in approximately two tenths of a mile you will see the sign for Fairwood Bible Chapel on your right. Once on the driveway, the church will be ahead of you on the left. Take the left just before it to the parking lot.
You can get directions from Google maps, Mapquest or Yahoo maps. The ending address should be entered as 495 Old Marlborough Rd, Dublin NH 03444. Please note that if you are coming from the east, these mapping services will give you directions that include East Lake Road. The bridge has been washed out, so please continue approximately 2.8 miles around the lake (past West Lake Road) to a left turn onto Charcoal Road. Follow Charcoal Road one mile until it dead ends, then take a right onto Old Marlborough Road.
Once you reach Old Marlborough Road, in approximately two tenths of a mile you will see the sign for Fairwood Bible Chapel on your right. Once on the driveway, the church will be ahead of you on the left. Take the left just before it to the parking lot.
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