luke

Monday the 10th was the one year mark of losing Paige. A few days before, I was talking to Luke, and explained that on Monday it would be one year since Paige had died. I expected him to say something serious or sad; sometimes when we talk about Paige, he gets teary and says, "I'm starting to cry."

This time, to my surprise he said, (with enthusiasm) "She must have had the funnest year ever!" It made me smile.

My adorable baby

A chance to help

A family that lives near us had a tragedy earlier this year. Their third grade daughter was killed in an accident at home. Through their grief the parents created an amazing foundation that helps other parents going through the death/illness of a child. Check them out, the site is jaidensangel.org

They have all my respect, and I hope I can meet their family some day. I know that we would have fallen apart if it hadn't been for the amazing support of our family and friends during Paige's illness, and then after her death. They did so much for us. Jaidens Angel provides that kind of support to families who perhaps don't have the strong network that our family had.

We're doing ok. I think that Luke and I should re-enroll in grief counseling. Time is passing, but not the grief. It seems like I'll have to wait so long to see Paige again. I feel silly, telling the same stories, recalling the same memories, but they're all I have. I don't know what's she's like today, how perhaps she has grown and changed.

I can't wait to see her again.

An August afternoon

Friday afternoon

Ben and I are going to make a container for Paigey's "dust" (as Luke calls it) at the Sharon Art Center, where they have generously donated clay and studio time. We are going to make the vessel on the potters wheel, and then glaze it ourselves, probably with lots of pink and purple. As of now, we are planning to have her buried in Dublin, in a small cemetery, but Luke is adamant that he wants to make her a rainbow colored box for some of her dust, and keep it in his room. So I think we will involve him in some of the process, and he can make a container too.

I was thinking today, after our conversation about dust, about how when it's my turn to die, (which won't be till I'm 90 I hope!) I will be so much less afraid, knowing that at the end of the unknown and mysterious journey, I get to see Paige! A bizarre thing to be thankful for, that Paige is in heaven to greet me and make death easier (for me and a lot of us who love her, I think!) but that's how I see it. She is such a warm sweet memory to me, like wearing a pink cozy fuzzy backpack in front of me over my heart, like a baby carrier.

I dream about her frequently, which I love.

So I will now wrap up my very random post. Thank you to everyone who still reads this.

Wednesday Evening

Benefit for Paigey!!!!!!!

Hey everybody!!!! Come to this show!!


Come Together Show
April 25th
Merrimack High School
Merrimack, NH
6pm

This show will benefit Kristen's Gift which supports the Children's Oncology Dept. at Children's Hospital at Dartmouth.
We are doing this show in Honor of a Paige. Paige lost her battle to cancer at the age of 2 and 1/2. She was always smiling and dancing. She lived life to the fullest.
All proceeds will be donated in her name.

Please help us. $1565.00 raised so far. We want to raise $3000 or more. Please help us get there.
You may send a donation by making a check out to Kristen's Gift and mailing it to
Success Dance and Performing Arts Center
416J DW Hwy
Merrimack, NH 03054
Attn Sue Richardson
Of course if you are near you may come to the show. We will have food, raffles, silent auction, and lots of fun. Tickets $10 adult $7 students/seniors

Happy Birthday Paige!!!!

Happy Birthday, my beautiful, sweet, amazing daughter! I hope you have a lovely day, with a beautiful princess dress to wear, and lots of pretty jewelry, and pretty things for you hair (which is curly, and not a crew cut!) and lots of kids to play with, and lots of animals to play with and ride on. Luke said the other day that in heaven he wants to ride a crocodile, and have races!

I miss you like crazy, but to think of you is also so sweet and comforting. I don't know how I got the amazing privilege of being your mom, but I sure am thankful! I'm doing ok down here. You and God have made me strong, and with that, I can face anything.

Luke keeps talking about you, and gets certain toys ready, "so that when Paigey comes back, she can play with them." He misses you so much.

Oh little girl, you are such a treasure to me. I can't wait to see you again. Until then, I laugh when I remember funny things you did, and I talk about you all the time. You are strong, and loving, and you always spoke your mind, and I hope I will be more and more like you.

Today we might go to a fun kids' museum, to celebrate your birthday, and maybe buy some pretty balloons. My little Lovey, I send you millions of hugs and kisses, and know that I carry you in my heart always, until I get to be with you again.

Love, your mama

Thursday morning

To Honor You, by Connie Byrd

To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath.
And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile
And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take time to appreciate everyone I love,
I know there is no guarantee of the days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,
And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,
Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, Share a smile, LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

Wednesday

Monday evening thoughts

Yesterday was three months that we have been without Paige. I have felt awkward posting, because this is her blog, and with her gone it seemed bizarre to be sharing things sans Paige. But I want to. So I will.

Things make me tear up more now. I pick strange places to cry, like the florist. I was petting the owner's beautiful, ancient Maine coon cat, that looks so much like Francesca. The cat, normally shy, seemed to really like me and followed me to the checkout counter to be petted. So I chatted with the owners about cats for a few minutes, and then I all of a sudden got really weepy. So I left abruptly. What the heck? But somehow it hurt really badly just then.

And yesterday I was in a six hour meeting and after a couple hours, I kept thinking about Paige, up in heaven, wanting a cuddle with me. So I in my imagination welcomed her, and held her on my lap, and let her cuddle. Jesus is great for snuggling, I'm sure, but no one is quite like a mama. And of course this made me cry. And cry. Finally I left and went out into the hallway, to get a good cry out of my system so I could go back and participate without continuing to cover my shirt with tear-spots.

It's a little disconcerting to be wearing my heart on my sleeve; previously most of my mourning I have done very privately. But it feels good to go with it. I am in grief counseling (they said Luke seems to be doing great, and doesn't need to continue coming! She said I was the one who seemed to really need it.) and I asked if the counselor would give me journaling exercises each week for homework. So I will be working on that later this week. I know that I proccess a lot by writing, so I am looking forward to the reflection and the processing. She said grief will show up how it wants to, and we can't direct it, so I am trying to be flexible.

At the furniture store the other day, the employee asked if Luke was my only child. I said I had a daughter that had died. Luke added on what her name was, and what he called her (Paigey) and how they used to play house together. He was the daddy, and Paige was the mama, and Paige's dolls were the kids, the son and the daughter.

I still have alot of peace inside. In fact, more peace than I have had in years. Without that, this would be so much harder. Please don't stop praying for us. We all could use it.

Platelets

I mentioned that I would post platelet info, so here it is. We have a friend at Dana Farber, a little boy named Benjamin who we met at CHaD, and his mom recently blogged that platelets are needed at that hospital. Platelets have a shelf life of 5 days. If you are interested in donating there, you can call 617-632-3206.

Only two first time donors will be taken at a time, and you need to answer a few minutes of questions on the phone before they give the go-ahead that someone qualifies to donate. If you qualify, they can set you up with an appointment. 1-3 in the afternoon is the best time of day for the bank to take first time donors. The process takes I believe, 2 hours, and involves a needle in both arms; one to take blood, the other to put back your own blood that has had platelets filtered out.

If you live too far away to donate in Boston, please consider donating at a hospital or Red Cross donation center near you. The Red Cross number is 1-800-GIVELIFE, and they can tell you where the nearest donation center is.

Luke Ben and I were in the house the other day, and Luke said, "Is there anyone else here?" "Nope, just the three of us." I said. Luke got teary and said, "Why not four?" He misses Paigey a lot, and said most every night for a while, "Let's talk about why Paigey died."

We begin grief counseling on Monday.

Here is one of my favorite video clips.