driving

I do my grieving while I drive.  Alone with my thoughts, I don't have the pressures of home with me - tasks to complete, undone chores, visual reminders of my internal chaos.  So, in the relative inner quietness of me-in-car-mode, I think.  And write letters in my head.  And grieve. 

It took me a long while to realize that I would often do this about five minutes away from my destination.  Highly illogical, as it has me arriving blotchy faced and teary eyed.  Incidentally, I HATE crying in public.  Or in front of anyone, even my closest friends and family. 

But I finally figured out why my heart picked this timing:  five minute installments were perfect for me, apparently.  My heart knew what I could handle.  I am rather in awe of this intelligence  (I never would have been smart enough to plan mini-grief sessions)  but I'm slowly discovering that my heart and body know exactly what they are up to.   And I am learning that it feels good to listen.