Sunday, January 29, 2012

 Is it weird that when reading other blogs (about any topic) I check to see what they were doing on November 10th 2007? 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

driving

I do my grieving while I drive.  Alone with my thoughts, I don't have the pressures of home with me - tasks to complete, undone chores, visual reminders of my internal chaos.  So, in the relative inner quietness of me-in-car-mode, I think.  And write letters in my head.  And grieve. 

It took me a long while to realize that I would often do this about five minutes away from my destination.  Highly illogical, as it has me arriving blotchy faced and teary eyed.  Incidentally, I HATE crying in public.  Or in front of anyone, even my closest friends and family. 

But I finally figured out why my heart picked this timing:  five minute installments were perfect for me, apparently.  My heart knew what I could handle.  I am rather in awe of this intelligence  (I never would have been smart enough to plan mini-grief sessions)  but I'm slowly discovering that my heart and body know exactly what they are up to.   And I am learning that it feels good to listen.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

russian sage

It's been a rough week.  And once again, when I have an extra sad Paige week, one or more of my family members is also. And so here I am, checking to see if this week is an anniversary of anything extra hard; bad prognosis, turn for the worse.  That sort of thing.  It hurt hurts.  Quite badly, actually.

I just read over a bunch of posts from September of 2007, two months before Paige died.  How I had the presence of mind to write coherently is beyond me. It's hard to tell if it's a specific anniversary.  I guess I'm sad just because. 

A few weeks ago I dreamed of her again, which I do about every month or two.  This time we were in the "middle room" of my childhood house, and Paige was there.  I got to hold her, and she told me she loved me.  And then something in the room - invisible to me - caught her attention, and her face keep looking left, then right, as though there were a stream of people passing.   I think she said, "Guys!" And in the dream I figured out that they were male angels.  And quite a few, too; probably fifteen of them.  They had arrived to take Paige back to heaven.  It was a nice visit, though.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Friday, December 18, 2009

Friday Ponderings

I am sad. It's hard for me when people post things online about their little girls. I want mine back! My daughter lived in the present with great gusto. I wonder - what would happen if I chose to live like that?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Saturday, August 15, 2009